Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The "D" word

Most people try to avoid thinking about the big "D" while planning their wedding. It's not really something that you want to foresee happening in your future. But in my planning process, dealing with my parents always brings it to mind. And if you haven't guessed it yet, the "D" word that I'm talking about is divorce. No one thinks when they get married that they will someday get divorced. If you do think about it maybe there's a problem... But sometimes it happens, people change, or don't change, things happen, children grow and people split up.


My parents separated when I was about 13. Their divorce was finalized when I was a senior in high school. I remember being OK with my parents getting a divorce. I didn't want to hear them fight anymore. And I was lucky enough to have parents that got along with each other even though they were divorced. We still went on family trips together and celebrated Christmas and birthdays as a family. My parents even did things together just the two of them. They would go to concerts, baseball games and sometimes even trips. It was nice while it lasted.


Fast forward to now. They have been divorced about 9 years and now rarely talk to each other. They can't have a conversation without fighting about something. There have been many issues between them that I won't get into, but a major factor in their relationship change is that my Dad now has a pretty serious girlfriend. Ugh. I could go on and on but I'm sure you know where this is going. My Mom is uncomfortable with my Dad's girlfriend coming to the wedding. I can't ask my Dad not to bring his girlfriend, and I can't stand the thought of my Mom being upset on my wedding day. I've really been at a loss of how to handle this. With less than two months until the wedding I really don't want to be stressing out about this.


It's been very difficult for them to speak civilly to each other, even about their only daughter's wedding. It has been a real challenge to say the least. I worry about their dynamic on our wedding day. I have communicated with both of them about this and they understand...sort of. They both agree that I shouldn't be worrying about it and there won't be any drama at our wedding. But whenever they talk something happens, they get all upset with each other and once again I am in the middle of it.


My Mom during one conversation said to me, "Your wedding reminds me of the fact that I am divorced and I never wanted to get divorced." I can totally understand that. No one wants to get divorced.   


They say that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. That statistic sucks. Another crappy statistic is that The children of divorced parents are prone to divorcing 4 times more than the children of couples who are not divorced. Obviously I don't think Mr. Castle and I will get divorced. I couldn't ever imagine us having such issues that our only option would be divorce. 


But the divorce cloud is hovering over our day in another way, through my parents. Their issues are so much bigger than just my Dad wanting to bring his girlfriend to the wedding. But the wedding is the big event happening now. It is the first time my parents will be in the same room together in a really long time. My greatest wish is that they could put all that aside and be happy for their only daughter on her wedding day. It's not about them, it's about me (And Mr. Castle of course)


As the wedding day approaches things seem to be getting a little better. I'm not hearing about all the drama from each parent anymore and I hope and pray it stays that way. I know it could be a lot worse. I've heard stories about family fights at weddings and people refusing to attend if  the new boyfriend/girlfriend comes. I know none of that will not be happening on our day. I just feel bad knowing that my family won't be sitting together, and my parents probably won't speak to each other the whole day.  


From now on I'm just going to try and let any issues go. I can't do anything to change the way my parents feel about each other. I can't do anything to make my Mom feel more comfortable and I can't ask my Dad to not bring his girlfriend. And I can't stress out about it anymore! All I can do is try and communicate my feelings with both my parents and hope for the best. At the end of the day I know they both love Mr. Castle and I so much and are they are so happy about the wedding. Hopefully that joy will out weigh the anxiety of seeing each other...
Personal Photo / The last picture I have with my whole family taken about 4 years ago.


Any one else have a similar situation? How did you handle it?

1 comment:

  1. :-( I am sorry you have to go through this. Sometimes parents forget that it is not about them I think...

    My parents never got married so I don't really know what a traditional family is like...or a divorce one...but every family is different...and even though the D word is scary..I think about it..mostly because I am a realist..hahah

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