Finding our Officiant

Finding our officiant was the most difficult thing we have had to do in our wedding planning thus far. Which is silly really. It shouldn't be that hard, right? Well, we had very specific criteria for our officiant, which made it next to impossible to find a match.

Let me start by explaining that I was raised Catholic. Growing up my family was very active in the church, my parents sang during mass, taught catechism and my brother and I were altar servers. Our church was like my second home. After my parents got divorced we stopped going as frequently. As I got older and moved away from home my attendance at Sunday mass decreased. I never questioned my faith or beliefs and I still consider myself Catholic, but I rarely attend mass anymore.

So naturally with my upbringing, I always imagined myself getting married in the Church. It is pretty much the norm in my family. I think I’ve only attended two weddings in my life that haven’t taken place in a Catholic Church. I’m sure most of my family were very surprised when they learned we would not be getting married in a Church.  

You see Mr. Castle is an Atheist. Before we were even engaged he told me he would not feel comfortable getting married in the Catholic Church. I totally get it and I would never force him do something he wasn't comfortable with. To clarify: it's not that he is uncomfortable being in a church. That kind of a setting just didn't feel right to him for our wedding. And honestly it didn't feel right to me either. It’s not as big a part of my life as it was when I was younger. It’s still there and it always will be, but when it comes to our wedding we wanted a ceremony we would both be happy with. Something we could personalize and make our own. Something that wouldn’t really be possible if we got married in the Church.

That being said I still wanted some form of my religion in our ceremony. My parents really wanted it as well. And thus began the nearly impossible search.

Our ceremony compromise was to get married where we wanted but to have our wedding officiated by a Catholic priest. As those of you who are Catholic know, priests won't marry you outside the Church. But a retired priest may depending on his feelings on the matter. The first Priest we found was retired and living in Santa Barbara. He was really awesome and when we chatted on the phone he sounded like the perfect match, until he told us his price. $1,200… Ummm next please!

Then my Grandma decided she was going to find us someone. She got me in contact with a retired priest who was a friend of a friend. When I spoke with him he told us he would only marry us if we got married in the church first. So we would have to get married in the church and then do a "recreation" ceremony at our venue. With that option we might as well have gotten married in the church to begin with! This priest was really nice and an extremely funny guy but not what we were looking for...

I then started to panic, freak out, re-consider my feelings about not getting married in the church. I considered just finding a justice of the peace or someone with no religious ties. I tried come up with a friend or family member we would want to marry us but I couldn’t think of a single person. I became a messed up stress case, having nightmares, losing sleep, crying and basically becoming a crazy person.

Then a simple wedding officiant website saved the day. It was called So Cal Officiants (They just changed their name to Great Officiants) They are a database for officiants in Southern California. At this point I was thinking we just needed to find someone, religious or not. While searching this site I clicked on the “about our officiants” tab and saw a selection for Catholic priests! I immediately filled out an availability request.

The site hooked us up with a priest named Father Geoff. His first email to us was very informative with a lot of details including a sample wedding outline and all the information we could ever need to get our marriage license. He was also open to changing any format of the ceremony. He seemed like a very organized guy, which is always a good sign. Now the reason he can marry people outside the church is because he was suspended from being an active Priest. The reason he was suspended was for voicing his opposition to Prop 8 in California. From what I understand he was asked to encourage his parish to vote yes on Prop 8, banning same sex marriage, and he didn't feel right doing that and voiced his opinion on the subject during mass. If you're interested you can read about his story here.

I was very inspired by his story. This is a man who gave up a lot to let his voice be heard. He knew it was against what the Catholic church believes and he said it anyway. It felt really good to find not only a Catholic priest who could marry us but one who shared the same beliefs as Mr. Castle and I on marriage equality. I was happy and relieved to finally be able to say we had found our officiant. 


After all the anxiety and stress that went with finding our wedding officiant, something that Father Geoff said when we met in person really stuck a chord with me. He said, "You have already done the hardest part; you have found your soul mate." I try and remember this on the more stressful days of planning. We have found each other in this crazy world. Our wedding will be a wonderful celebration of our love, no matter who marries us, what cake we eat, or what centerpieces we chose. Thinking about this keeps my wedding craziness away. :)

Did you have a hard time choosing an officiant? Has a wedding related decision turned you into a crazy person?

It's go time

We are back in NY after a thrilling holiday trip out in California. We did some wedding planning, saw lots of family, and had an amazing time with our friends. This trip will definitely be one that is always fondly remembered.

But before I get into specifics about our trip let me interrupt to say, we are now 5 months away from our wedding! Umm where did all our time go!? How is it already so close to our date!? Cue mini freak out.

Image via swimspot.com

Ok now that I've had a chance to breathe... I'm realizing that it's time to shift into gear and start making decisions. In other words, it's go time. I'm an indecisive person by nature. I always tend to weigh options and wait to make a decision until it feels "right". Well I'm just going to have to get over that because it's time to get things going! Invitations, decorations, guest book, favors, etc... it's time to make some decisions and do some serious planning! And try to do it all without having an anxiety attack...

Image via daughterdaughter.blogspot.com 

We did get a good amount accomplished in California. We met with our venue and chose our linens, menu and cake! Of course during our meeting we were starving so every food option sounded amazing, but I think we made some good choices. We also bought frames for our table numbers, and the biggest and most important in my opinion... we have a wedding officiant! If you read any of my other posts on the subject, you'll know we were having a hard time... But we made a decision we're happy with, and I'll fill you in on all the details next time!

Did everyone have a good holiday?  Anyone travel cross-country like us?

Thanks but... no thanks?

We have been struggling to find our "perfect" officiant. It's been a much more difficult task that I had imagined it to be. I guess when you have specific requirements it turns out that way.

Here's the situation. Jeff is Atheist and I am Catholic. We have imagined a ceremony that is respectful of both our beliefs. In doing such we have been on the search for, let's say a "liberal" Catholic priest. Someone who is comfortable helping us to create a unique ceremony that obviously acknowledges God, but doesn't make him the star, so to speak.

In a previous post I mentioned how we found a great guy. A retired Catholic priest, now married, very liberal, but he charged waaaayyy to much so we couldn't use him. So we looked elsewhere. I then came across a great resource for Southern California officiants. It's sort of an officiant database called so cal officiants and on their site they had a list of three Catholic priests. Awesome. Their fee for a priest is still on the higher side, but less than half of what the previous priest I mentioned was charging. Double awesome.

The site hooked us up with a priest named Father Geoff. His first email to us was very informative with a lot of details such as a sample wedding outline, right down to how and where to get your marriage license. He seemed like a very organized guy, which is always a good sign. He also shared in his email that he was suspended for voicing his opposition to Prop 8 in California. From what I understand he was asked to encourage his parish to vote yes on prop 8, banning same sex marriage, and he didn't feel right doing that. If you're interested you can read about his story here. This is a subject very near and dear to mine and Jeff's heart as we are pro marriage equality. I'm sure it took a great amount of courage for father Geoff to publicly announce his opinion, even though it is against what the Catholic church believes. He seemed like just the "liberal" Priest we were looking for.

We were hopeful and optimistic that we had found our officiant.  Then I get a random call from my Grandmother the other night saying this: "Hi Sharon, we got Father Dennis to do your wedding. So that's all set, call me back." ........ Um what?

Let me explain that I did ask my grandmother if she knew any priests who would do a wedding outside of the church back in September, and she said she might know someone. In October I asked her again for this priest's information and she told me she would try and get in touch with him. Then I never heard anything again until the, "We got him for your wedding" message. I never asked her to ask this priest to marry us I just asked for his information. I am grateful for her help, but also worried that this Father Dennis might not be a good fit for us. I have never spoken to him, I don't know if he would be willing to help us create our ceremony, or if he feels comfortable with it being probably a less religious ceremony than he is used to officiating. It kind of gives me anxiety to think about having to talk to him. What if he is soooo not the right guy for us. Then I have to tell my Grandma, thanks for hunting down this priest and asking him to do our wedding, but we don't like him and don't want him marrying us?

I'm not sure what the outcome of this situation will be. I'm hoping we won't hurt anyone's feelings with our decision, but at the end of the day this is our wedding and we want to be happy with who marries us. Geez I never thought this part of wedding planning would be so tough! Trying to stay positive and calm... I guess I'll end with: to be continued...

Who will Marry us?

In a previous post I mentioned something kind of important that we have yet to accomplish. We do not have anyone to marry us. Not only is finding someone from across the county difficult, but finding the specific type of person we want is also proving to be tough.

I was raised Catholic and always assumed I would be getting married in the church. Then I met the love of my life who is not Catholic and has no desire to get married in the church. I would never force my fiancé to get married somewhere he did not feel comfortable, not that he is uncomfortable in a church, that kind of a setting just didn't feel right to him. And it doesn't really feel right to me either. I still consider myself Catholic, but I'm not a very good practicing Catholic. I don't go to mass every Sunday, I haven't been to confession in years, and I don't see this changing anytime soon.

When I imagined where our wedding would be, I imagined someplace that represented us as a couple. We have gone on many outdoor adventures together and I knew we wanted something outside surrounded by nature. And that's what we found and I couldn't be happier. But now who will marry us?

When you get married in the church, they assign a priest to your wedding and that's it, decision done. But for us we have to search for the perfect person. My parents and I liked the idea of still having someone affiliated with the Catholic church to marry us. But those of you who are Catholic know a priest can't marry anyone outside of the church, but a retired priest can marry a couple anywhere they want.

With that information, we set about our search. Thanks to wedding wire, I came across a guy who seemed perfect for us. He is a retired Catholic priest, who left the ministry to get married. He now officiates weddings all over Southern California, and he will  make your wedding as traditional or non traditional as you want. He had a review that said the bride and her family were Catholic and the groom and his family were atheist, and both families loved the ceremony that he created for them. He sounded like a winner to me.

So I called him to inquire about his services. We played phone tag a bit, but last night we finally got in touch with each other. He was nice, funny, talkative, easy going, he was great! He told me how he had done a wedding a block away from Kim Kardashian's this past weekend and his poor bride had to deal with three helicopters flying over her ceremony. He told me his background, about his kids, his marriage, and then he told me his price...

Image via Flickr

$1,200. This includes; a ceremony planning session, his travel to the wedding, (he would be coming to LA from Santa Barbara, about 125 miles) the ceremony itself, and filing our paperwork after we are married. He sounds so perfect for us, but his cost is more than my wedding dress.


At the same time, the wedding is about the ceremony right? The most important part is when you say your vows, and who conducts your ceremony is an important component. With that said, I think $1200 is too much. I think we need to shop around and explore other options.


Many people have asked me, why don't you have a friend marry you. We've thought about it, but we really can't think of anyone who is close to both of us who we would like to bestow that responsibility on. Maybe we'll change our minds and think of someone, but at this point that doesn't seem likely.


So I will continue my quasi-quixotic quest for our perfect officiant. Or maybe I will cave and pay the $1200...probably not.


Who will be marrying you? Did you have any trouble finding someone?